


It's a War Zone in my Head

by Theemperor95



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Eddie's amazing and sweet, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Thumb-sucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:00:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23699668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theemperor95/pseuds/Theemperor95
Summary: He had to escape, it was too much. Everything was too much. The sound was turned on high and grating on his nerves, the lights too bright, his skin was getting tight and itchy. His mind kept telling him to RUN RUN RUN!  so run he did, straight into a shower stall away from the people and the sounds and the light. It was dark here, it was safe here.Buck suffers from anxiety attacks, Eddie's there to help. Things develop, and everyone gets a happy ending.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 104





	1. RUN

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck Canon, this is anarchy!  
> I hope you enjoy the story, I'm planning on updating as soon as I find a way to translate my thoughts into words.  
> If there's something you'd like to see happen, leave a comment, even if you don't, comments make me happy.

He had to escape, it was too much. Everything was too much. The sound was turned on high and grating on his nerves, the lights too bright, his skin was getting tight and itchy. His mind kept telling him to _RUN RUN RUN!_ so run he did, straight into a shower stall away from the people and the sounds and the light. It was dark here, it was safe here. 

Buck had been dealing with anxiety attacks ever since he could remember. Throughout his childhood, they were brought on by his parents fighting and later in life by his dad’s fist. When he joined the SEALS it was all the yelling. When he became a firefighter it was losing people. His life experiences with anxiety had forced him to develop a coping mechanism to help him calm down without anybody’s help. There usually wasn’t anybody to help anyway. 

He knew it was weird and he was always felt a little ashamed once he calmed down, but the only thing that helped was sucking his thumb. So there he sat in the dark in a shower stall sucking his thumb and rocking himself. He was so immersed in his head, he didn’t even hear the footsteps approaching. “ Oh sweetheart, what’s going on?” The sudden comment made him open his eyes and focus on the face right in front of his. Eddie was crouching in the stall with him giving him a look of fondness and pity, two sentiments that did not mix well if you asked Buck. 

He sighed and dropped his thumb to speak “ its the only thing that helps calm me down when I’m having an attack. I know it's weird but please don’t judge” There was that look of pity again painted all over Eddie’s handsome features 

“ I would never judge you for calming yourself down” Eddie stated sincerely “ but do you mind if I sit with you for a bit, maybe talk if you’re feeling up to it?” Buck sighed but nodded, he didn’t think he was gonna talk, but maybe having his best friend close wouldn’t be the worst thing. 

They sat like that for a while, until their asses started hurting from sitting on a hard surface for so long, just as Eddie was pulling himself up, Buck spoke. He told Eddie everything. About growing up with anxiety, about never having anyone but himself to rely on, about how thumb sucking took him out of his head and into a headspace where everything was more simple, how his mind quieted. 

Eddie just listened intently. He didn’t speak or offer his opinion, he only held Buck’s hand when it started to shake. “ Thank you for trusting me Evan,” He said once the blonde seemed to be done talking “ do you want your thumb back now, I can’t imagine telling me all that was easy for you” Buck just looked at him with big blue watery eyes and nodded. As soon as the thumb was back between his pouty lips, Buck calmed. 

Eddie couldn’t believe the transformation he had just witnessed. Buck had been shaking and fidgeting throughout the whole ordeal, his eyes had been shifting looking for a way out, he was the perfect example of a caged animal. But as soon as he thrust his thumb in his mouth, his eyes closed and he started humming, not a care in the world. He wanted, no he _needed_ to see more of this happy relaxed Buck. 

It took a couple of days of self pep talks before Eddie could approach Buck with a very important question. “ hey Buck, would it be ok if you told me what triggered you the other day? I just want to be there for you next time” The words stumbled out of his mouth quickly before he lost his nerve. Bucked looked up from the book he’dbeen reading, a confused look on his face

“ why would you ever want to do that?” He asked genuinely curious as to why anyone would want to subject themselves to ugly parts of Even Buckley.

“ Well because-“ Eddie started, making sure to look Buck in the eye “ you’re my best friend, you deserve to be taken care of, and if I can do anything to make your life better you bet your ass I’ll do my best” 

The answer was so sweet and so sincere that Buck could do nothing but nod “ ok, I’ll tell you, but promise not to laugh” Eddie mimed cross my heart. “ it was Hen, she made a comment about me being whipped and, umm… the word triggered me” 

Eddie’s eyes widened “ you dad?” he asked softly, Buck once again just nodded. 

They sat in silence once again, Buck went back to reading and Eddie went back to daydreaming about the day he would be able to protect this man from everything. 

The next time it happened it was in Eddie’s house. After a wonderful night of homemade pizza, silly movies and lots of laughs; Chris was finally out for the count, Eddie was taking him into his room so Buck made his way into the kitchen to get started on dishes. The loud crash had Eddie running to the kitchen to see what had happened. What he found broke his heart. Buck was sitting in a little ball, knees to chest trying to make himself seem as small as possible. He had his thumb in his mouth and he was humming trying to get himself to calm down.  There was broken porcelain everywhere, it was a miracle Buck hadn’t gotten injured on his way to the floor. 

Eddie approached him with caution. “ hey sweetheart, it's ok, you’re ok it was just a plate nothing else” 

Buck didn’t seem to hear him though, he just kept muttering “ the water was too hot and the soap was too slippery” 

Eddie couldn’t take seeing his happy go lucky, puppy of a best friend like this, so started to act on instinct. “ hey hey baby, it's ok you’re fine, I’m not mad, no one’s mad” He used a soothing tone, and pulled Buck onto his lap to stat rocking him. 

The gentle motion seemed to be helping. The muttering had stopped at least, and his mouth was once again filled with his thumb. Buck looked so much younger like this, baby blues big and watery, his face soft and his lips wrapped around his thumb. He was looking up at Eddie with a look of wonder and confusion. “ there you are baby boy, you’re doing so good calming down for me. A little while longer and I’ll move us to the couch ok?” 

Buck was awestruck, he didn’t know how his best friend was doing it, but everything he was doing and saying seemed to put Buck more at ease. 

Eventually, they did move to the couch though. “ Evan, I would like to know what triggered you please?” Asked Eddie in his ever-patient tone. Buck didn’t wanna talk but he knew he had to, having Eddie around to help was amazing and the more he knew the better he would be able to react. 

“ I was in charge of chores at my dad’s house. Whenever I broke something like I just did he used to lock me up for forty-eight hours. No bathroom no food no nothing, just me in a dark room”

Whenever Eddie thought he had reached his limit on hating Buck’s dad, he surprised himself by surpassing it. Especially after stories like this. The older man just pulled Buck back on his lap and held him until he fell asleep, safe and warm in the arms of someone who truly cared. Eddie made quick work of putting Buck in his bed, not wanting to leave the man alone for too long after the episode he just had. 

He ran into the kitchen to clean up the mess and joined Buck in bed. “ good night sweet boy, I’ll watch over you” he whispered to a sleeping Buck. 

Buck was a little freaked out. 

Ever since Eddie had started helping him through his attacks, the older man was acting like he was made of porcelain. He never left him alone for too long, he invited him over every night, he wouldn’t even let him do the damn dished anymore! If this kept going unchecked, Eddie’s overprotectiveness would start affecting their jobs and that wasn’t ok with Buck. That night after some Chinese take-out and football game, Buck armed himself with the courage to talk to Eddie. 

“ Hey man, do you mind if I talk to you… it's important” 

Eddie turned his body, giving Buck his full attention. Buck took a deep breath and contented “ I love that I now have somebody to help me with the attacks. Having you around has been wonderful. But I can still do things by myself, I’m not some precious thing you need to protect” 

Eddie let out a loud exhale. “ Buck, to me you are a precious thing that needs protecting. I love you and I want to see you safe and happy all the time” Eddie averted his gaze, suddenly feeling a little shy “ and I also really like how I feel when you let me take care of you, it makes me feel powerful and in control” he mumbled to his lap.

“ you-you _love me?”_

Eddie’s head shot up “ of course I love you, you big dummy, I’ve loved you for so long now” 

Bucked threw himself into Eddie’s arms and kissed him, it was way too hard and a little off-center, but all that mattered to either was that it was full of passion. 

“ I love you too just in case you didn’t get that” 

Eddie just chuckled “ oh no trust me I got it, thanks” 

Buck was climbing off his lap and back to his original spot on the couch “ now about the other thing, you liking to take care of me. I’m not going to lie. Being taken care of has been featured very prominently in my fantasies since I was a teen, but you have to promise me that you can turn it off during a call”

“ deal” answers Eddie with a smile that could outshine the sun. 

They got back to the game after that, not sure how the conversation affected their dynamic just yet. Until it was time to go to bed that is.

“ sweetheart” Eddie started “ I know this is brand new, but how would you feel about establishing a few basic rules to make sure both our needs are met?” 

Buck hummed “ what did you have in mind?” 

“well, it seems that your coping mechanism for anxiety and stress is to regress in age a little”. Eddie looks up to gauge Buck’s reaction to his words before continuing “ I was thinking maybe, it's your mind’s way of making you feel safe, am I right?” Bucked just nodded, too intrigued to break Eddie’s train of thought just yet “ so maybe, we should embrace that and incorporate it into our routine, as long as we’re not on call of course” He was eyeing Buck hopefully, waiting for his consent.

“ I think that could work” came Buck’s too quick reply. 


	2. Papi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rules are made and porn happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly porn, which I enjoyed writing, but this story is about so much more than sex.

Buck was scratching the back of his neck nervously “ sooo.. do you know where to start?” he asked, not quite making eye contact. 

Eddie had no clue, based on the scant research he had done before approaching Buck with the idea, he knew he had to be consistent and firm with the rules he set, as, for the rest, he figured he could use some of the same things he used on Christopher. 

“ I kinda do, but this will be a lot of trial and error for both of us. Communication is extremely important Buck, do you understand?” 

“ mmmm” Buck nodded his assent 

Eddie shook his head a little exasperated and a lot fond “ words Buck please”

“ yes Eddie, I understand” the younger man rolled his eyes 

“ getting bratty already Querido?” Eddie asked amused 

“ nu hu, I don’t do bratty Eddie” 

“ sure sweetheart,” said Eddie in a patronizing tone. 

After a stretch of silence where Buck pouted at the floor and Eddie tried not to laugh, Buck attempted to bring the conversation back to bedtime 

“ soo bedtime?” He asked 

“ I think you should have a bedtime routine, nothing too crazy, just something to build consistency” Eddie looked at Buck for reassurance. When he was met with sparkling blue eyes, he continued 

“ I would like you to go put on your PJs, I’ll make you a bedtime drink to relax you, you’ll brush your teeth and then we’ll do a mindful exercise before you get in bed”

“ sounds good Eddie” Buck was trying to keep his cool, not show how affected he was, but Eddie’s plan sounded amazing. It was such a small thing but no one had ever cared about what time Buck went to bed, or if he had brushed his teeth or even if he had nightmares. 

He was so struck in his musings, Eddie had to remind him that he was given an order. 

Buck made his way upstairs slowly just to annoy Eddie a little bit, he got undressed, put his clothes away because that’s what Eddie would have wanted, put on his softest sweatpants and a white t-shirt. By the time he was done, Eddie was making his way upstairs, two mugs in hand. 

“ ok sweetheart, I made two sleepy time drinks, you get to pick which one you want, and I’ll take the other one”

Buck was so touched at Eddie’s thoughtfulness, _of course,_ he had made two drinks just to see which one Buck liked best. 

“ so this one” Eddie continued. None the wiser of the reaction he had just caused “ is angel milk which is warm milk with honey and cinnamon. This other one is chamomile tea with honey” 

Buck weighed his options carefully. On the one hand, chamomile tea was lighter, but on the other hand, angel milk sounded delicious. In the end, what made his choice for him was that Eddie had mentioned he didn’t like milk. 

“ angel milk please Eddie” 

Eddie looked pleased with his decision “ thank you for being polite Evan” 

The use of his name used in such a soft manner made Buck blush. He hid it behind the rim of the mug quickly, embarrassed at the reaction. 

They drank in comfortable silence. Angel milk turned out to be delicious, and the honey and warmth of the milk were doing wonders in making his body loose and sleepy. Once he was done, Eddie nudged him in the direction of the bathroom. Once he was done brushing his teeth, flossing, and washing his face, Buck made his way back to the bedroom. He found Eddie in a pair of his boxers, and no t-shirt lounging on his bed, not a care in the world. 

“ Umm Eddie, are you trying to relax me or wind me up? 

Eddie just gave him a teasing smirk. “ today you get to relax, but I still want to fall asleep with you in my arms. We don’t have to pick Chris up until after school tomorrow” 

“ yes yes please” 

“ ok then baby, let's sit for a minute and do our mindful exercises and then we can go sleep”

The mindful exercise consisted of a short guided meditation focused on being grateful for the day, and relaxing the mind for sleep. Once that was done, Buck was feeling so so sleepy.

“ all ready for bed now baby” noted Eddie feeling the effects of the drink and the meditation as well. 

They got into bed, turned off all the lights and snuggled. Buck had his face hidden in the crook where neck met shoulder and his limbs were koalaing the older man. 

“mmmm this is nice, I’m gonna like sleeping with you,” remarked Buck before falling into a deep restful sleep. 

Eddie stayed awake a few minutes longer just to be able to see Buck’s face while he slept. He always looked so young and carefree, it made Eddie’s heart light and his mind sure of his decision. 

The next morning, Buck woke up slow and lazy. He was so comfortable wrapped up in strong arms, leaning back on a solid chest, he didn’t want to open his eyes. He shifted back a little just to snuggle closer when he felt something distinctively long and hard poking his lower back. _Fuck_ , he wanted to moan and rut until he felt that thick cock catch on his hole, but he didn’t want to do anything without Eddie’s consent. He resolved to stay as still as possible until Eddie woke and he could jump him like he wanted to. What he couldn’t control though were the little mewls that left his lips every time Eddie would shift slightly. Or the aborted thrusts against the mattress. 

“ mmmmmm…do you want Papi to take care of you baby?” the words caught Buck by surprise, he had been sure Eddie had been sleeping. He stilled his hips and shut his mouth just in case though. After a beat of silence, he realized Eddie had been sleep talking. 

Holy fuck that was hot. Eddie had referred to himself as Papi in his sleep. That was one of Buck’s kinks, did this mean Eddie was into it too? _gonna find out soon I guess_ he thought. 

—-

Eddie woke slowly, his brain was drifting in the wonderful space between asleep and not quite awake where dreams and reality mixed. The first thing he grew aware of was the wonderful noises Buck was making. He sounded like a kitten begging for attention, it was a weird mix of hot and adorable. The next thing he became aware of was the slight movement of Buck’s hips, it almost felt like he was thrusting. Eddie opened one eye to asses the situation, and the sight had him twitching in his boxers. Buck was laid out twisted so that his ass was still connected with Eddie but his dick was on the mattress, his face was half-hidden in a pillow and his lips were spit-slick and half-open. He looked like sex. 

The words tumbled out of his mouth without his consent, and he decided to feign sleep just to see how Buck would react. The younger man froze, but after a minute he moaned loud and clear _maybe he has a daddy kink too_ thought Eddie. 

Eddie pretended it was the moan that woke him up. He made a show of blinking his eyes slowly and yawning while grabbing Buck’s hips and pulling them back into him. 

“ you feel so good in the morning baby boy” hummed Eddie “ tell Papi what you want and I’ll give it to you, I promise” 

Buck was on fire, his blood had been replaced by magma and he didn’t want to go back. His brain was all muddled and fuzzy, he didn’t really know what he wanted, he just wanted more, wanted it all. 

“ Papi please” he keened grinding back onto the older man, earning him a low growly chuckle 

“ already cock-dumb cariño?” The words felt like a punch to his sternum. All the air had been taken from the room, his cock started dripping.

“mhmm, just what I thought, a little grinding and the promise of being full, and you turn to putty.”

_why was Eddie so good with his words_ Buck was so damn close and nothing had even happened yet. Before he knew it, he was being manhandled on his back and found himself caged in between Eddie’s strong arms. 

“ good morning amor, ready to feel good?” 

Buck just nodded, too far gone to use words. 

The spank echoed through the loft, earning a groan from the blonde. 

“ I believe I asked you to use words baby” 

_how?_ Buck was dying and Eddie wanted him to think enough to use words, but need won out so he mustered all his strength and spoke 

“ Fuck me please Papi” That seemed to do it because before he knew it, they were both naked and Eddie was rutting into him.

\--

Eddie was so so close just from a little dry humping, but he wanted more, and he definitely knew his boy wanted more as well. So he gathered all his army discipline and made himself stop. 

“ I’m gonna prep you now baby, just stay still for me and don’t touch” 

“ yes, sir” came the reply. 

Eddie started with one well-lubed finger. Buck was hot and tight inside, he didn’t know if he was gonna be able to handle it around his dick. 

He worked the finger in and out, fucking Buck nice and slow. After a few minutes, he took the finger out earning himself a whine from the taller man 

“ sh sh baby, you won’t be empty for long” true to his word, Eddie was back moments later with two fingers. His thrust became harder and he started to stretch Buck a bit more aggressively. It took three passes for Eddie to find Buck’s magic button. 

\--

Buck jolted as if electrocuted, his prostate was sensitive as fuck, and he just knew Eddie would be torturing the shit out of it. He started to thrust down on Eddie’s hand, chasing the pleasure. He knew he was asked to stay still but it just felt so _good_ he just couldn’t stop himself. It earned him another smack for his efforts, which prompted him to still his hips as best as he could. 

By the time Eddie was thrusting three fingers, he couldn’t keep his body still even he was held at gunpoint. The pleasure was too intense, it was making him delirious he just had to squirm. 

\--

Eddie was mesmerized, Buck had tried to stay still he really did, but at one point the pleasure became too much and his body started writhing as if it had a mind of his own. It was _hot,_ Eddie had done that to him. It only took another minute before Eddie removed his fingers and slicked up his cock. “ you ready sweetheart?” 

All Eddie got as a response was a disgruntled moan

“ ok ok, you get so demanding, Jesus” he chuckled 

The initial push was heaven. Eddie was big and thick and perfect. Yes, it was painful, but the thorough prep meant that the pain only added to the pleasure. Buck was close and they hadn’t even begun yet. 

Buck felt like sin. Tight and scalding hot, he hugged his dick like he was made for it. Eddie wanted to hold on, torture Buck a little more, but his hips didn’t get the memo. He started thrusting as soon as he bottomed out. 

Not two thrusts later and Buck was curling up into Eddie with what had to be the most intense orgasm ever. The only noise that he was able to make was a strangled sob, punched out of him by the sheer amount of pleasure. 

\--

Buck was embarrassed, he had just cum untouched not even a minute into fucking but he couldn’t help it, Eddie just felt so good, so right. And if the look he was giving him was anything to go by, Eddie was pleased with his response 

“ Oh baby, you’re such a good slut coming on my cock like that” The words only added to the cocktail of endorphins running through Buck’s system, prolonging his orgasm. 

“ such a good boy, you feel so good around me baby” muttered Eddie. He didn’t stop, he didn’t falter, he just increased his pace and kept thrusting like a fucking jackhammer. 

It wasn’t long after that Buck was hard again arching his hips to push his ass down onto Eddie’s cock. 

“ Papi, please I need it” he almost yelled. But the need to feel Eddie cum in him was making everything else pale in comparison. He needed it now. 

A few more thrusts and Eddie came with a muffled moan. Just the feeling of Eddie’s pleasure was enough to punch another orgasm out of Buck. 

\--

Eddie laid down, ready to get up and get a rag to clean up, but as soon as he did Buck let out a pained whimper. 

“ I’m right here baby, I just need to clean you up, I won’t be long” Buck’s reaction to being left alone on the bed broke his heart. His little boy needed so much love and reassurance that he wasn’t going to be left behind, and Eddie would do his damnest to make that happen. 

Not long after, they were once again snuggled and warm “ ok baby, we can stay here for another 15 minutes, but after I have to feed you and we have to go get Chris, how does that sound?” The smile he received in return was bright enough to eclipse the sun. 


End file.
